I won’t disclose my travel destination, but you can bet your whole life that it’s a lot better than the hole in which I currently reside.

And I don’t actually live in a hole. It’s a metaphor. I can’t say the same for Lindsay Lohan, who probably crawls to bed at 7am at the bottom of a well. But that’s Lindsay Lohan.

Anyways, I’ll post today’s “A Day In The Life” because I know that’s all you b*tches care to look at anyway. Pathetic. Go stare at yourself in a mirror for 45 mintues. See how violated YOU feel.

You know how long it takes me to come up with material?! You know how long it takes me to think of something witty to say about Heidi Montag’s new face?!

Hahaha. 3.2 seconds out of my day. That’s how long. And it’s the best 3.2 seconds of my life.

Unless you coun’t that one dude…

F*ck. This is turning into a memoir, so I’m outta here.

While I’m on vacay basking in the glory of doing the exact opposite of what people generally do on vacation, I hope ya’ll don’t get too bent out of shape when Audrina Patridge actually leaves the house in something other than a bikini.

Or when our dear Lindsay finally caves in and saws off her ankle.

I can’t wait to come home to see pictures of her wearing that sh*t around her neck.

Now THAT’S a statement piece I wouldn’t mind purchasing.

Click to view slideshow.

Seriously KK? Where were you when they taught the act of sharing…?

I know, I know, probably doing your makeup in the restroom, but that’s no excuse.

Really, Lady Gaga can bend over and take a sh*t on a crowded plane and no one would notice, but a nip slip?

People would be all over it.

If she ever wants to cut down the slack she recieves on her outlandish outfits she should just stand next to a naked weiner.

Or take off her pants. Same thing.

Stick to the water ShePratt!

Click to view slideshow.

Katherine Heigl was in this last season of Grey’s Anatomy?

What did she play? A corpse?

Via E!

“After the two-hour Grey’s Anatomy finale a few weeks ago, we said Emmys should be given to everyone in the cast for that episode. But funny, so far we’ve only heard of Katherine Heigl submitting her name in the Emmy race for Best Supporting Actress.

You’re probably wondering what she submitted her name for, considering she rarely appeared in Grey’s this season. And when we ran into Eric Dane over the weekend he was asking the same thing:

Reporters asked Eric what he thought of Katherine putting her name in for Best Supporting Actress. His response: “For what?”

“Um, for Grey’s Anatomy,” we gently reminded him on the carpet at the 9th Annual Chrysalis Ball, where he was there with his equally good lookin’ wife Rebecca Gayheart.

“Oh,” Dane said catching himself. “It’s great! Fantastic! I love it! Why?”

Who does this b*tch think she is? That’s like me putting myself in the race just for watching the damn show.

Crook.

She should just be happy that the producers haven’t shunned her from the industry. Or even worse, replaced her with a Victoria’s Secret model.

*cough Michael Bay cough*

 

Oh c’mon. What’s next? The annual Pancake Breakfast For Seniors Suffering From Irritable Bowel Symptoms?

*I love you Kim*

Click to view slideshow.

Although I wouldn’t hesitate to challenge that.

Or maybe it’s because she’s not wearing a ball gag and floss for underwear in these pictures. Must be nice to take the day off.

Here’s what she had to say in the accompanying interview:

On the striking artwork for her new album:
“I wanted pictures that represented strength and fearlessness but still femininity—a strong woman who can be vulnerable. Every woman is made up of vulnerability and strength; no matter what race you are, no matter what you’ve been through in your life. Every woman has that strength that is undeniable, but we also have really big hearts. It’s just us.”

On her new piece:
“I have a boyfriend. I’m so happy. I feel really comfortable, and it’s so easy. I have such a chaotic life, but at the end of the day, that is just my peace. It keeps me sane, really, talking to him and talking to my family.”

On turning her dream into a reality:
“If I were in Barbados still, I would be dreaming about this. I asked for it, and I love it, so why am I complaining? My first day on tour, I remember saying ‘I’m so tired—this is so much.’ Then I thought, What the f*ck? You asked for this—you prayed to God to tour like Madonna.”

On her fav. designers:

“It’s clear there are definitely fewer black women in the high-fashion industry. One of the things I respected most about Gucci was that they did a print campaign with me. I’m a black girl on a fashion spread for Gucci—that was a big deal. I respect designers who aren’t afraid to go outside the box. I went to a Jean Paul Gaultier show, and I saw girls who are thicker than me, beautiful and voluptuous and different ethnicities. That made me so excited. I thought, Okay, I can work that, for sure.”

On moving on from Chris Brown:
“A year ago, I was very confused. Because he was my best friend. All of a sudden, one night changed our whole lives—not only our friendship, but our lives. I wanted to wake up one day and just not have that pain anymore. I wanted to be with him again or get over him—it was either-or. I just didn’t want to feel the pain, the confusion.”

Oh and in case you noticed her looking a little less thicky thick and more skinny b*tch on the cover, Mariah’s magic makers the retouchers did shave off a few inches off her waist.

Did Nelly teach ya’ll nothing?

http://www.goldmic.com/video/Nelly-Thicky-Thick-Girl/23593

Her latest scheme?

She got her oh so wise Mother to try and cover for her. Lindsay c’mon. You might not be able to read real people books, but I’m sure you can understand your own cryptic writing.

“Cat. Pee. Tell I wasn’t really me. Twin evil sister. Kidnap. Gogglie Goo.”

“Hehehe this’ll fool em.”

Via The New York Post,

“[Lindsay] was at the MTV Awards and somebody spilled a drink on her leg, which must have set off the SCRAM bracelet. She has done absolutely nothing wrong and shouldn’t have to wear the bracelet in the first place. She is doing absolutely fine.”

God. I could have used her as a Mom for parts of my life that I’m now not too proud to admit. “Oh you drove while drunk and crashed into a mailbox honey? No, no, no, wipe those tears away, it was that f*cking mailbox’s fault. We’ll get him!”

Actually….no. Nevermind. I love you Mom.

It’s quite apparent that a snake had crawled under her seat. This is usually how I react when I see a “snake” crawling under my “seat” as well. But it usually ends up with a drink thrown in its face.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/elmarburchia/salma-hayek-freak-out-when-she-spots-a-snake-7ve

I condone this reaction completely. I’m scared of rubber snakes. I don’t know what I’d do if ever put in this type of situation.

I’m guessing it would be like encountering someone with fake designer goods or something. Yeah. That’s what it would be like.