au-to-tune.

Or Out of Tune. Get it?

Whatever, I amuse myself.

Anyways, T Swift’s less than PERFECT Grammy performance with the LEGENDARY Stevie Nicks were causing some restless sleeps, because a SMUDGE on this chick’s musical career is just MINDBOGGLING.

Scott Borchetta, the CEO of Big Machine Records, offered an EXPLANATION for the less than stellar performance, saying, “It’s not about the technically perfect performance. We had a volume problem in the ear.  So, she was concerned that she wasn’t able to hear everything in the mix…That’s just part of live TV. Maybe she’s not the best technical singer, but she’s probably the best emotional singer because everybody else who gets up there and is technically perfect, people don’t seem to want more of it.”

Ok, but don’t say we didn’t warn you when Jay Z and his entourage show up at your office to defend his wife.

Don’t Get Your Hopes Up…

That means you Jennifer Aniston.

The News of The World brought up a certain someone’s high hopes by REPORTING that Brangelina (or the Saviors of the Earth) had SPLIT up.

It was TOLD that the POWER couple were parting ways (after Angelina was caught making out with a 9mm) and that preparations had been underway since last month.

According to the snitch of the day,

“the document was signed in early January. Both Brad and Angelina had signed it. The contract was like a tailor-made version of a pre-nuptial agreement except for an unmarried couple’s split. It seemed clear they want the world to know they’ll both play a part in the upbringing of the children. But Angelina will actually be the one who lives with them full-time.”

Anyways, it’s not true.

The key to Angelina’s heart lives amongst the hairs in Brad’s billy goat gruff, and Jennifer Aniston just ended up wasting  a day at the salon.

Like A Prayer…

Oh sh*t.

Jesus Luz didn’t bother his pretty little head by reading the FINE print on his JOB requirements as the Material Girl’s Woman’s paid bi*ch boy…

Looks like in addition to allowing her to douse him in Baby oil on a bi hourly basis, the secksay male model is also required to SOMEHOW with all his might rejuvenate Madge‘s female parts in order to summon a Kaballah child from her womb.

She picked Jesus for a reason.

The 51 year old is allegedly trying to make a baybay with her more than equipped mancandy.

A snitch close to M says,

“Em says motherhood is her greatest achievement and the most fulfilling thing in her life. She knows that, at 51, it’s going to be harder to conceive naturally. But she is Olympic-athlete fit and is ready for the challenge.”

If this so proves to be a miracle procedure, I suggest it be broadcast to every single horny teenager in all countries of the World.

It would fend off every pimple faced boy from even attempting a sexual act and every tanorexic cougar waiting for prime prey at the local Frat bar.

The sheer act alone would turn 99% of the population of Earth to nunnery.

Thank Madonna and her little boy (no not that one) for singlehandedly curing every form of STI ever documented.

God Bless.

All together now…

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

Backthen Backstreet Boy AJ McLean proposed to his GF onstage at Wasted Space @ The Hard Rock in Vegas this past weekend…

I could give a sh*t. It’s cute and all but my HEART collasped when Kevin got married.

True story.

If you don’t succeed, TRY and TRY again…

So Fergie Ferg has traded in her pee stained pants for a wedding dress…

Her and hubby Josh Duhamel (swoon) decided to show Tiger the way of Man and RENEW their VOWS in Santa Barbara last week.

They held a cute little ceremony on a cliff overlooking the Ocean.

I won’t rule out the FACT that he mustve had a getaway boat idling below…

(To refresh your memory, he was ACCUSED of cheating on the Ferg with an ATL Stripper…which he vehemently denied.)

(Again, Tiger…)

Anyways, I doubt he’s going to remember the vows (that I’m sure were written by his wife) the next time he thinks about tapping the durrty durrty.

Ass.

And ALL Fergie wants is for you to Meet Her Halfway.

Na Na Na Na Naaa Na.

Katy Perry showed off the sparkler on her RING finger this morning in London, while I’m sure Russell Brand provided a complimentary viewing of the FAMILY jewels.

Talk to the guns.

So Madonna’s BFF Gwyneth Paltrow is being pressured by the veiny one to DIVORCE her husband Chris Martin after he was seen making out with various women…

“Sources” say that Her Madgesty claims that her friend can have, “the perfect divorce, with no squabbling and sharing the children equally. 

The snitch also added that,

 “Whenever Gwyneth complains about problems with Chris, Madonna’s solution is she should leave him….Madonna has never liked Chris because he refuses to kiss her butt. The few times they’ve hung out together, their egos clashed big time.”

If I were him, I’d happily comply and flee to the ends of the Earth in fear of being knocked the fu*k out by the bodybuilding Material Girl.

Eating Out.

Rihanna doesn’t seem to be FAZED at all by the Paparazzi clamoring over each other to get a glimpse of her and new BOYFRIEND Matt Kemp grabbing on each other.

Here’s PICS of the new couple on a night out.

At least she didn’t end up at the hospital afterwards.

Feeding Time.

So Pamela Anderson has BROKEN if off with her much YOUNGER electrician/surfer DUDE boyfriend.

Guess there just wasn’t enough ROOM in the TRAILER for Pammy and her twins, and I’m not talking about her sons.

A “source” claims:
“Pam made it pretty clear she is no longer dating Jamie and that she was looking for a new love interest. She didn’t have anything bad to say about him and described him as a ‘sweet guy’ and that she hoped they would remain friends. Her ex-husband Tommy Lee was jealous of Jamie and Pam’s relationship and he had given their two sons Brandon and Dylan some surfing lessons.”

This guy should walk away before Pam asks him to uncross her wires as a parting thought.

 

Blame the Indian tradition.

Damn.

One trip to India and Russell Brand drops down to ONE knee.

He proposed to his #1 Kitty Purry and it is CONFIRMED that they are ENGAGED.

Their offspring will be the perfect combination of FUNNY and HOT.

Or crazy and peculiar looking.

Either or.