Posts Tagged ‘Celebrities in the Slammer


a day in the life of lindsay lohan.

I would like to present a documentary I’m working on.

A day in the life of Lindsay LOLohan. While engaging in such a hard hitting, severely life changing and utterly catastrophic topic, I just don’t I hope I um, get a, fall down on feet, um can’t stand, puke on myself, no eating, head hurts while doing research.

Holy sh*t my it’s like a disease. I can’t even spell prply ne mo.

Day 1: Wake up. Take a shot, find last night’s underwear. Look at it. Leave it on the floor. Try and walk out the door and go hit up some Cannes parties before getting thrown out for throwing a drink at someone’s 13 year old thinking it was Samantha Ronson. Take a shot. Have younger sister remind you that you were supposed to be in court for acting a fool. And you might go to jail. Hee. Hee.

Day 2: Wake up. Take a shot. Look for underwear. Can’t find it. F*ck it. Try and come up with an excuse for not showing up for mandatory court date while at the same time trying to shave legs without cutting fingers. Gargle with Tequila. Have underpaid minions tell judge that someone stole your passport. Congratulate yourself for bright idea by shaking t*ts at 13 year old girl, again, mistaken for Samantha Ronson. Spend rest of the day trying to pee in the toilet but have it end up on the floor. Think that this is the worst day like, ever. Get called out on BS and have a warrant issued for your arrest.

Via TMZ,

“Lindsay claims she actually went to the airport yesterday trying to get on a flight without a passport but was denied boarding. We’re told she had a reservation on the flight so she could make it back to L.A. for tomorrow’s mandatory court hearing.
Sources tell TMZ Lindsay has made an appointment with the U.S. Embassy tomorrow at 9 AM to get another passport so she can fly home.”

Via RadarOnline,

“Maryse Nebatti, the Duty Officer in Marseille for the U.S. Embassy in France, told that Lindsay reported the passport stolen but “has not requested a new passport.”

Via TMZ,

“Judge Revel set bail at $100,000 and said Lindsay can post bail and remain free until the next court hearing, IF she does the following:
– drink no alcohol
– wear a SCRAM bracelet
– submit to random drug testing at least once a week
Lohan’s lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, told the judge the story TMZ broke — that Lindsay claimed her passport was stolen and she tried getting on a flight to make it on time but was turned away.
At one point Holley said, “I don’t know what else to tell you.”
But the judge didn’t buy Lindsay’s argument, saying “Actions speak louder than words.” The judge felt Lindsay could have gotten a replacement passport and made it back on time. And, the judge said Lindsay had “a history of not keeping scheduled appointments.”

Day 3: “How did I get on this bridge? Wait, I can’t swim right? Maybe if I jump Samanta will come rescue me and then we can get guns and kill judges and convenience store owners and stuff. Yes that’s it. I bet there’s pretty colors at the bottom of the ocean…”

What a sh*tshow.

Wait, wha, I can’t oh God, I’m flying, I – I ‘m a unihorse. Corn. Whatever. Uhh, wait, what was I saying?


you’ll need a lot more than a cigarette…

Charlie Sheen is worried that he won’t be able to light up while in the slammer for his short stint for showing his wife how much he loves her with his backhand.

What he SHOULD  be worried about is how he’s going to save his a**hole from getting lit up…

Via US Weekly,

a source tells Us [Charlie’s] most worried about being able to smoke behind bars. The actor’s criminal defense attorney, Richard Cummins, has been asking local law enforcement if they’d be willing to make an exception to the jail’s no-smoking policy. Authorities say they aren’t likely to make an exception to the no-smoking rule, which has been in effect for 10 to 15 years. 

The Two and a Half Men star, 44, is likely to end up in Aspen’s Pitkin County Jail, which allows nicotine patches for inmates. Nicotine gum is not allowed to prevent gum from ruining the carpet. Us has learned that the Aspen County District Attorney has offered Sheen a plea deal that would put him behind bars for 45 days, but prosecutors would drop the felony charge in return for Sheen pleading guilty to a misdemeanor.

He should just man up and plead guilty. There’s gonna be a lot of depressed hookers around and Tiger Woods needs to focus on his A game.


Who you callin a TWIT?

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