finally. a job that pays.

I know way too many people hounding around for JOBS right now. So during my tiresome research for those who require employment that doesn’t require asking “did you want to Supersize your meal?” I’ve finally found something worth going for…

BEHOLD,

Via PEOPLE,

“Jesse James’s alleged mistress, Michelle “Bombshell” McGee . . . is scheduled to sign autographs, pose for photos and dance topless at Vegas’s Deja Vu Showgirls club on April 23. McGee’s payment by the club, in addition to tips she might receive, will be $5,000 – money that Beard expects to recoup and then some, given her notoriety as “the other woman.”

“We’re just cashing in on her celebrity right now,” Deju Vu advertising and marketing director Larry Beard tells People. “There’s actually a group of tattoo enthusiasts that are all going to show up. I’m getting a lot of response for it. It should be a pretty big event. She’s a dancer. This is right down her alley.”

This is great for our future generations. God, teens have it so easy these days. Might as well skip History and watch strippers at the local joint, they’re going to need to learn some tips & tricks, especially when the Nazi mistress gig has already been done.

And you all thought that there was no HOPE.

when wolves attack.

Oh snap.

A bi*chfight.

Except it’s with a hot guy and a young hot guy, who I feel a little UNCOMFORTABLE calling hot because he’s like 16 or something, but with the body of a 25 year old rugby player. So hot nontheless.

Um yeah, as I was saying, Alex Meraz turned on his own pack when he took to Twitter to SLAM on Taylor Lautner for his new movie, “Valentine’s Day,” in which he stars with HALF of Hollywood.

“Sorry Taylor but the movie Valentine’s Day looks lame and desperate, it cries out, ‘look we have all the biggest starz in 1 movie pleez watch! “P.S. it has nothing to do with the talented actors in the movie. I just don’t like the producer & Directors’ ‘get rich quick skeem’ nuff said.”

Seriously? Twitter? Does no one learn?

It’s like “aight dude, this guys about to be put on BLAST, he ain’t en’ know what it do.” as he pulls out a straightbacked chair and flips open his Mac.

What happened to a good ol fashioned back alley sh*tkicking?

Anyways, looks like someone’s jealous of someone’s of all the teen tail Taylor’s abs are probably pulling in.

Blame the Legal System bi*ch.

(I’m still on his side only because I won’t be cuffed when hovering over him while he sleeps).

 

 

This sh*t is MAYJAH!

Love her.

Fashion MUSE and designer, Victoria Beckham is GLAMOUR’S cover girl for it’s upcoming issue and by the looks of it, they’re urging her to OVERCOME her biggest fear.

FOOD.

She also opens up and says,

“If I’m not working, I go to the school and help serve lunches to the children. They just love that. It’s like, Oh, there’s Mummy serving me! “You cringe at the clothes. But, yeah, I do [listen]. The kids like to watch Spice World, and we sing along and watch Mummy be a pop star.”

I don’t know if this SHOOT makes me wanna devour a cupcake or hit the treadmill.

Either way, KUDOS to Poshie Poo for not entirely losing her sh*t when placed next to a bag of groceries.

 

 

 

au-to-tune.

Or Out of Tune. Get it?

Whatever, I amuse myself.

Anyways, T Swift’s less than PERFECT Grammy performance with the LEGENDARY Stevie Nicks were causing some restless sleeps, because a SMUDGE on this chick’s musical career is just MINDBOGGLING.

Scott Borchetta, the CEO of Big Machine Records, offered an EXPLANATION for the less than stellar performance, saying, “It’s not about the technically perfect performance. We had a volume problem in the ear.  So, she was concerned that she wasn’t able to hear everything in the mix…That’s just part of live TV. Maybe she’s not the best technical singer, but she’s probably the best emotional singer because everybody else who gets up there and is technically perfect, people don’t seem to want more of it.”

Ok, but don’t say we didn’t warn you when Jay Z and his entourage show up at your office to defend his wife.

How dare they?

Whichever AIRLINE company that expected Victoria Beckham to stuff her tiny little mouth with a packet of peanuts needs to ready their pilots & staff for a public BEHEADING.

The petite one had her bones RATTLED at the thought of eating food with a fat content of more than 0.002 grams, so while connecting in Heathrow she had Gordon Ramsay’s London restaurant hand deliver fat free niblets to her.

Via The Daily Mail,

“With a planned change at Heathrow she decided on the perfect solution – and rang ahead for a tasty takeaway from her friend Gordon Ramsay. The chef is not known to offer such a service normally, but the T5 branch of his empire was happy to help. As Mrs Beckham, 34, waited for her connecting flight on Saturday, staff from Ramsay’s Plane Food restaurant turned up with a little orange bag of goodies for her onward journey.”

I never once thought of ice cubs and salmon shavings as “tasty takeaways,” but to each their own.

She also decided to leave her extra 6 inches in her Birkin in fear that the appetizers would weigh her down enough to topple over.

LOVE her.

How Embarassing.

Follwing fellow actor, and fellow idiot, Andy Dick…

Gary Coleman had his tiny little WRISTS thrown in cuffs today for domestic assault.

Who did he smackdown? His pet gerbil?

The pint sized scrapper is being held on approx. $2000 bail in a cage cell in Utah.

Don’t Get Your Hopes Up…

That means you Jennifer Aniston.

The News of The World brought up a certain someone’s high hopes by REPORTING that Brangelina (or the Saviors of the Earth) had SPLIT up.

It was TOLD that the POWER couple were parting ways (after Angelina was caught making out with a 9mm) and that preparations had been underway since last month.

According to the snitch of the day,

“the document was signed in early January. Both Brad and Angelina had signed it. The contract was like a tailor-made version of a pre-nuptial agreement except for an unmarried couple’s split. It seemed clear they want the world to know they’ll both play a part in the upbringing of the children. But Angelina will actually be the one who lives with them full-time.”

Anyways, it’s not true.

The key to Angelina’s heart lives amongst the hairs in Brad’s billy goat gruff, and Jennifer Aniston just ended up wasting  a day at the salon.

What A Dick.

So Andy Dick was kindly escorted to the slammer in West Virgina yesterday after he was accused for getting a little too secksay and molesting someone at the BAR.

He has a history of living up to his name and trying to grope every woman that walks by, but this time he ALLEGEDLY grabbed a handful of mancandy and tried making out with some DUDE.

He’s lucky he didn’t pick a GAY basher because the guy isn’t planning on pressing charges…

He brushed off the impromptu rape by saying, “I’m not down with that,” and that that Andy is “nationally known as a weird guy.”

Shit.

That’s a FANTASTIC reaction for anyone a little off in the head. I’ll most definitely be taking FULL advantage of this type of brush off by claiming I’m just a little different from the rest when I accidently charge through David Beckham’s window.

Anyways, Dick was released on $6,000 bail today and will have to show his face in front of a judge soon enough to stand up to 2 counts of abuse.

She’s the one who FORGETS her pants, and WE’RE dumb…

So Taylor Momsen put on an extra layer of eyeliner and sat down to RANT on Twitter because she’s real HARD like that…

This was in response to an interviewer asking her last week if she would be attending any of the Haiti campaigns to assist in relief, she had claimed that was too BUSY buying makeup remover and filming scenes for Gossip Girl…you know, something along those lines…

  First I was hating on her for being such a SELF OBSESSED beeyotch, but NOW it’s moved on from that to her lack of proper GRAMMER.

1,2,3…Unzip.

So Jessica Simpson just can’t seem to cut herself a break.

The poor thing’s been taunted for a crappy relationship with The Cowboy’s, Tony Romo, the target of many fat ass jokes, and even her sister has somewhat of a gig to keep her floating around D List status.

All Jessica has is her BFF and by the looks of it, sole supporter, hair guru Ken Paves. Even her Dad isn’t asking her to hike up her skirt for publicity anymore.

So because Jessica has no hopes of landing a man looking like Ivanka Trump, she’s channelling all her efforts (efforts, here being Ken Paves’ tip jar) into debuting a DENIM LINE.

The last time Jessica was seen in Denim was during that 4 year old’s birthday bash in Buttfu*k, Tennessee…

At least she knows that she won’t be able to market her line to the silicone filled women of Hollywood, so she’s gearing it towards women who usually tend to unbutton and unzip after breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Anyways, the new line, partnered with Camuto Group & Jones Apparel Group, will be launching this Summer and will also include tops, knitwear, scarves and other items for covering up that second helping of steak and potatoes, and chocolate, and fried chicken, and ice cream, and Oreos she you had for dinner.