of course they did.

Lindsay Lohan’s trying to fool us into thinking she doesn’t have a HUGE f*cking book of utterly nonsensical excuses as to why she can’t just be a normal human being.

Her latest scheme?

She got her oh so wise Mother to try and cover for her. Lindsay c’mon. You might not be able to read real people books, but I’m sure you can understand your own cryptic writing.

“Cat. Pee. Tell I wasn’t really me. Twin evil sister. Kidnap. Gogglie Goo.”

“Hehehe this’ll fool em.”

Via The New York Post,

“[Lindsay] was at the MTV Awards and somebody spilled a drink on her leg, which must have set off the SCRAM bracelet. She has done absolutely nothing wrong and shouldn’t have to wear the bracelet in the first place. She is doing absolutely fine.”

God. I could have used her as a Mom for parts of my life that I’m now not too proud to admit. “Oh you drove while drunk and crashed into a mailbox honey? No, no, no, wipe those tears away, it was that f*cking mailbox’s fault. We’ll get him!”

Actually….no. Nevermind. I love you Mom.

disturbing natural order.

God Damn Lindsay Lohan. C’mon! Really?! C’mon!

Via TMZ,

“We’re going to break it down for you.  Lindsay was on probation when she failed to appear in court last month.  At that point, Judge Revel revoked her probation and set bail at $100,000.  In return for bail, Lindsay promised to appear for a hearing on the probation violation — set for July 6.  Because of the SCRAM incident, the $100,000 bail has now been forfeited.  Instead of throwing Lindsay in jail pending the July hearing, the judge is allowing her to post new bail — set at $200,000, so she can remain free.

Lindsay’s SCRAM bracelet generated a report to SCRAM officials sometime after the MTV Movie Awards Sunday night. Sources say the SCRAM data shows evidence of alcohol.”

 

Of course it showed evidence of alcohol. Why the f*ck else would it go off?! Anyways, this whole thing is preposterous. It’s like asking Heidi Montag to stay away from silicone. Or asking Christina Aguilera to go without makeup for 10 mintues. What the Hell does this judge expect from this poor girl?

By threatening to throw her in jail for sipping on the sizzurp she’s violating the rights of people all over the world. Everyone has a right to lighten their day with a little laughter. Who the f*ck are we supposed to laugh at when this b*tch gets locked up? How the Hell am I supposed to run this site on the many different looks of Kim Kardashian alone?

Preposterous I tell you.

Via TMZ,

 

“Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, tells TMZ Lindsay’s SCRAM bracelet “indicated the presence of a small amount of alcohol on Sunday night.”

Holley added, “Having just received the report, I am not in a position to speak to its accuracy or validity, however, Ms. Lohan maintains that she has been in complete compliance with all of the terms of her probation and her bail.”

Great. Nevermind then. Carry on.

Nope. I won’t ever get sick of this picture.

 

 

 

beep beep b*tch.

Ha!

Lindsay LOLohan’s SCRAM fashion piece went off this past weekend during one of the MTV Movie Awards after parties at Las Palmas…

Poor b*tch. I can imagine how hard it would be to actually have to face the world SOBER.

“Whoa. You mean people only have ONE face?! What the?!”

Via PEOPLE,

“It remains unclear whether alcohol was detected in her system or if the device was tampered with. Either one would alert authorities.
Lohan, 23, could face jail time if the judge in her case rules that the actress violated the conditions of her bail – which include abstaining from alcohol and submitting to random drug testing. Judge Marsha Revel is expected to receive the SCRAM report soon, the source says, and could order Lohan in for an immediate bail revocation hearing.”

Man, leave her alone. Take her in when she finally gives up and decides to gnaw her ankle off.

“i always tell the truth. even when i lie.”

You know what, I think I might change my tune about Lindsay LOLohan.

Underneath that unshowered, powdered exterior is a CRIMINAL MASTERMIND.

Joe Montana who?

Via TMZ,

“It might seem like bad timing — that Lindsay Lohan was ordered last week to submit to random drug testing, just days before she had her wisdom teeth pulled … but we’ve learned Lindsay got a pass from probation.
Lindsay’s lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, tells TMZ, “We advised the Probation Department of the dental appointment, which was made well in advance of last week’s court hearing.” Chapman says she assured the probation officer she would provide “documentation about any medications that Lindsay would be taking, which would be administered or prescribed as part of the procedure.”

So this b*tch just scored free pills. She’s like a walking talking death trap, but with an all access pass to painkillers.

Scene.

Lindsay lays back in the hot tub filled with bubbles and raises her glass of champagne with a freckled hand.

“The world is mine.” *Chuckle, cough, sputter, sputter. Hawk a loogie.* “And they all thought I was gonna die.”

*I wonder what Vicodin tastes like underwater.*

*gurgle.gurgle.*

 

hey, this is easy…!

So apparently Lindsay Lohan will be “degraded” in her upcoming role as stripper, Linda Lovelace…

I don’t see what’s so bad about this situation. Sh*t like this happens to her on an hourly basis.

If anyone has a problem with this, its every hard working, a** shaking, stripper in America. Dry humping someone’s leg for $10 dollars was never considered shameful until Lindsay Lohan tried her hand at it. They might as well close their legs and go to school.

Via PageSix,

“Traynor kicks her to a pulp,” Von says. “She’s made to say terrible things about herself while in the middle of sex acts. After her boyfriend assaults her, he kisses her bruises and asks, ‘Does this feel good?’ ” Von added, “It’s very sensational. There are not so much plot devices as shock tactics.”
Before Traynor turns Lovelace into a hooker, he forces her into a gang-rape scenario with several businessmen — one of whom hums a tune from “Mary Poppins” while fondling her breast.
Von says, “The movie’s obviously designed to just outright disturb [with] the combination of childhood imagery and absolute outright depraved perversions.”

And what better childhood f*ckup to play the role than LOLohan? It’s perfect for her. She won’t even know she’s at work.

“Hehe it’s like free money. Wheeee.”

it’s not over till the fat lady sings…

Well in her case the “till the fat lady sings” would be replaced with “till she hits some bad coke,” but a saying is a saying….

Via X17 Online,

Lindsay Lohan may have more movie options than people think … and the latest offer is a starring role in The Dry Gulch Kid, alongside the legendary Willie Nelson. The movie revolves around a character who has found a pond he believes has hallucinogenic powers. This character leads others to these magical waters, including a female army lieutenant, and he finds himself in love with her.

Kerry Wallum of Luck Films — the company co-owned by Nelson that’s producing the film — tells X17online exclusively that Lohan is being offered the role as Lt. Peterson, a character described as a “hardcore lieutenant that doesn’t put up with no shit … I think Lindsay will be great playing a pissy-ass woman.””

The Dry Gulch Kid is expected to start production by the end of July. Michael Madson is also in negotiations to star in the film and Jackass  star Johnny Knoxville is said to be attached.”

Okay we all know she might not even be alive for when these alleged movies go into production, but I hope this offer is legit.

Only because I would love to see her play a “pissy ass” woman.

It’ll be hilarious to watch her confusion over the phrase and the actual act of trying to piss her ass. Because you know that’s what she’s going to get from it.

Director: “Now act pissy.”

Lindsay: “But I don’t have to go.”

Director: “No, I mean ACT it.”

Lindsay: “Okay I’ll try. But uh…it doesn’t come out of my a** right? Okay, maybe that one time, I think…uh…what do I have to do again…uhhh damnit just leave me alone, I – I – need a drink!”

damn. i’m out.

Great. I really didn’t think I was going to lose on a bet that involved Lindsay LOLohan sawing off her ankle with a nail file within a few hours of getting it.

I swear the Universe is out of whack.

Via US Weekly,

Being shackled with an alcohol-monitoring anklet doesn’t mean Lindsay Lohan won’t try to tipple. A source says the actress, 23, who wore one in 2007, has claimed she “put tea tree oil on to fool it.”

Says Pasadena Recovery Center’s Shirley Bennett, “Addicts will use anything with alcohol to set it off, so they can say, ‘Oh, I wasn’t drinking. It’s my perfume!'”

Another Lohan strategy: using a paperclip to jam the signal. (She denied both strategies to UsMagazine.com.). But L.A. criminal defense attorney Decio Rangel Jr. notes: “She could go to jail” if caught.”

Hmm did anyone stop to think that maybe she WANTS to go to jail?

How many b*tches have the same haircut and bone structure as Samantha Ronson in the joint?

Endless. It’s like the Playboy Mansion for lesbians without standards.

 

new hair. same empty existence.

Lindsay Lohan with a new dye job…

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Blonde blends best when you’re standing next to a mountain of coke.

God, just when everyone starts doubting her intelligence she throws this sh*t back at us.

Genius. Pure genius.

 

lindsay didn’t drink on the plane ride back…

Wow I was gone for like 3 days, and I come back to find that Lindsay has still managed to somehow stay alive and sober.

Mental note to self: Must stay away longer.

Anyways besides acting a fool and trying to chain smoke in the airplane bathroom on the way back from Cannes (damn smoke alarms) here’s what she got into…

Via the LA Times,

A Beverly Hills judge who took Lindsay Lohan to task for being at the Cannes Film Festival rather than appear at a mandatory court hearing has decided to take a day out of her vacation to take up the actress’ case on Monday … Another judge was supposed to handle Lohan’s case on Monday because [Judge] Revel was scheduled to begin a vacation … Court spokesman Allan Parachini said the judge would be taking time out of her vacation to conduct Monday’s hearing.

And then when she finally made it to court the next day, after running out of “the dog ate my driver” excuses instead of being banished to makeout with Tila Tequila, THIS happened:

Via RadarOnline,

In Judge Marsha Revel’s chambers Monday, Lindsay Lohan and her lawyer were unable to provide a plane ticket proving she had a trip home for a mandatory court date, RadarOnline has learned exclusively. The meeting took place after Lindsay and her lawyer Shawn Chapman Holley represented in court that the could produce proof that Lindsay had a plane ticket for May 19, the day before she was required to appear in Los Angeles court for a probation status update hearing.

But Deputy District Attorney Danette Meyers told RadarOnline.com exclusively that Lohan did NOT produce a plane ticket she claimed to have when the parties met after Monday’s court proceeding.

“All I got was an itinerary for travel on May 18th, and not a plane ticket,” Meyers told RadarOnline.com exclusively. ”I did get a copy of Ms. Lohan’s plane ticket and boarding pass for May 22nd. “I will definitely be bringing this up at the probation violation hearing.”

You know what who the f*ck cares about documents and hearings and sh*t when you can barely feel your face.

Yeahhhhhh b*tches. Jokessss on youuuu. Now someone grab me a tissue I think I just drooled.

 

how’d that rodent get in?!

Gosh darnit.

That Lindsay Lohan will do ANYTHING to not get on a f*cking plane and face that judge.

Here she is scurrying aroud the Rose Bowl disrupting Obama’s speech.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/37271859#37271859

Fu*k mice, he would have sh*t his pants knowing that was her.