beep beep b*tch.

Ha!

Lindsay LOLohan’s SCRAM fashion piece went off this past weekend during one of the MTV Movie Awards after parties at Las Palmas…

Poor b*tch. I can imagine how hard it would be to actually have to face the world SOBER.

“Whoa. You mean people only have ONE face?! What the?!”

Via PEOPLE,

“It remains unclear whether alcohol was detected in her system or if the device was tampered with. Either one would alert authorities.
Lohan, 23, could face jail time if the judge in her case rules that the actress violated the conditions of her bail – which include abstaining from alcohol and submitting to random drug testing. Judge Marsha Revel is expected to receive the SCRAM report soon, the source says, and could order Lohan in for an immediate bail revocation hearing.”

Man, leave her alone. Take her in when she finally gives up and decides to gnaw her ankle off.

huh? what? who? why?

Uuuummm. Shauna Sand is going to be on the next season of Celebrity Rehab.

I don’t think I’ve seen this chick on anything other than a porn, but…okay.

Via TMZ,

“Shauna Sand’s penchant for booze and attention has finally paid off — TMZ has learned the former Playboy Playmate has signed on for the next season of “Celebrity Rehab.”

We’re told Shauna will check into Dr. Drew’s famous recovery center in Pasadena [today].

As we previously reported, the show has already lined up several other minor celebs including Tila Tequila and Jason Wahler.”

Minor celebs? Is that what they’re calling addicts and hookers these days?

Nice. So all I have to do to get my mug on TV is have sex with a midget, while on E.

Hollywood here I come!

Oh and for Shauna’s kids…? They’re just happy they don’t have to explain to their teacher why they’re wearing G strings under their pants. It’s full on coverage while Mom’s gone!

Yay!

 

 

damn. i’m out.

Great. I really didn’t think I was going to lose on a bet that involved Lindsay LOLohan sawing off her ankle with a nail file within a few hours of getting it.

I swear the Universe is out of whack.

Via US Weekly,

Being shackled with an alcohol-monitoring anklet doesn’t mean Lindsay Lohan won’t try to tipple. A source says the actress, 23, who wore one in 2007, has claimed she “put tea tree oil on to fool it.”

Says Pasadena Recovery Center’s Shirley Bennett, “Addicts will use anything with alcohol to set it off, so they can say, ‘Oh, I wasn’t drinking. It’s my perfume!'”

Another Lohan strategy: using a paperclip to jam the signal. (She denied both strategies to UsMagazine.com.). But L.A. criminal defense attorney Decio Rangel Jr. notes: “She could go to jail” if caught.”

Hmm did anyone stop to think that maybe she WANTS to go to jail?

How many b*tches have the same haircut and bone structure as Samantha Ronson in the joint?

Endless. It’s like the Playboy Mansion for lesbians without standards.

 

tila tequila is a celebrity.

This little midget must be losing her shirt  SH*T in excitement right now.

Apparently she’s being classified as an actual “celebrity,” even though it’s the kind that go to rehab.

See. Little people can make it too.

Via TMZ,

“Tila Tequila is finally seeking professional help — TMZ has confirmed nthrough multiple sources that the bisexual reality star has committed to do the next season of VH1’s “Celebrity Rehab” … if it doesn’t get canceled first.

It’s unclear what personal demon Tila will try to conquer with the help of Dr. Drew — but it certainly won’t be her addiction to attention.

But there’s one major catch — as we previously reported — VH1 is having problems finding other “celebrities” to rehabilitate … and if they don’t find a cast quick, the show could be killed. So far, no word on who else the show has its sights set on.”

Apparently her “demon” is Ambien, because she claims to be addicted to it. Really? I thought it was an addiction to leaving the house in Barbie’s panties. Or having sex while on her period?

F*cking Ambien?

I have like, a candy necklace made of those things.

Yeah, yeah. Like that.

Except they’re pills. But I mean Skittles make you happy, and these make you sleepy.

You say pill, I say candy. Tomato, tomahto.

Get off my back.

 

 

too bad.

Simon Monjack (Brittany Murphy’s widowed husband) died on May 23rd.

It was probably because he just couldn’t live life without her or because her underwear wasn’t earning high enough BIDS on eBay.

No?

Okay, it was because he did drugs.

Via TMZ,

“One well-placed source says, “There were a number of pill bottles on the nightstand in the bedroom, and some were empty.”

There is, obviously, an eerie similarity to the death of Monjack’s wife, Brittany Murphy, just five months ago.  In her case an array of prescription drugs were found on the nightstand of the same bedroom where Monjack died.  Many of the drugs on Simon’s nightstand were the same as the ones found after Brittany died.

One law enforcement source says the two causes of death that seem most plausible at the moment are “natural” and “accidental drug overdose.”

Monjack told TMZ recently he had suffered a heart attack during the incident last November when he had a medical emergency aboard an airplane.

Brittany’s mother, Sharon Murphy, discovered Monjack’s body last night.  She is also the one who found her daughter, Brittany, unconscious and on the floor of the bathroom five months earlier.”

Gee, I’m trying to be sensitive here, but I honestly think his last thought revolved around how to spin this so that he could still make some money off Brittany.

“Ok so let’s get you back to life so that you can make that movie about penguins again. Or horses. Or whatever, just sing b*tch sing!”

 

 

the legal system blows.

Waaaaaaait a minute. How did she magically turn that $10 in her bank account to $100,000?

Sneaky little tabby cat. (See below)

Apparently BLOWhan just made her $100 000 bail and won’t be forced to drop the soap when she gets back to LA. Although I’m sure she could have avoided any unwanted sexual act considering she doesn’t really take showers.

Anyways, she needed to get the money somehow, so here she is seen workin for that paper. And by “workin for that paper,” I obviously mean snorting rails and mistakenly trying to go down on men that look like Samantha Ronson.

And those aren’t lines on the table. It’s just magical powder that makes you remember stuff like court dates and how to make complete sentences that don’t sound like, well, this:

“Hehe, Judge I make funny. I sold body for moneeeeeeeyyy! Na na naaa naaa pooo poooo!.”

 *Update:

 

Lindsay is claiming that her “friends” set her up with the previous 2 photographs.

Via Radar,

When reached by RadarOnline.com and asked to tell us what the white powder is, Lindsay at first replied: “What!??” RadarOnline.com directed her to look at the photo and the white powder on the table in front of her. Lindsay then told RadarOnline.com: “That’s a set up that’s so untrue.”

She did not clarify who set her up or how. She is with friends in the photo.”

 

But all anyone really hears is “go gee, gee, drug, me no, hehehe.”

a day in the life of lindsay lohan.

I would like to present a documentary I’m working on.

A day in the life of Lindsay LOLohan. While engaging in such a hard hitting, severely life changing and utterly catastrophic topic, I just don’t I hope I um, get a, fall down on feet, um can’t stand, puke on myself, no eating, head hurts while doing research.

Holy sh*t my it’s like a disease. I can’t even spell prply ne mo.

Day 1: Wake up. Take a shot, find last night’s underwear. Look at it. Leave it on the floor. Try and walk out the door and go hit up some Cannes parties before getting thrown out for throwing a drink at someone’s 13 year old thinking it was Samantha Ronson. Take a shot. Have younger sister remind you that you were supposed to be in court for acting a fool. And you might go to jail. Hee. Hee.

Day 2: Wake up. Take a shot. Look for underwear. Can’t find it. F*ck it. Try and come up with an excuse for not showing up for mandatory court date while at the same time trying to shave legs without cutting fingers. Gargle with Tequila. Have underpaid minions tell judge that someone stole your passport. Congratulate yourself for bright idea by shaking t*ts at 13 year old girl, again, mistaken for Samantha Ronson. Spend rest of the day trying to pee in the toilet but have it end up on the floor. Think that this is the worst day like, ever. Get called out on BS and have a warrant issued for your arrest.

Via TMZ,

“Lindsay claims she actually went to the airport yesterday trying to get on a flight without a passport but was denied boarding. We’re told she had a reservation on the flight so she could make it back to L.A. for tomorrow’s mandatory court hearing.
Sources tell TMZ Lindsay has made an appointment with the U.S. Embassy tomorrow at 9 AM to get another passport so she can fly home.”

Via RadarOnline,

“Maryse Nebatti, the Duty Officer in Marseille for the U.S. Embassy in France, told RadarOnline.com that Lindsay reported the passport stolen but “has not requested a new passport.”

Via TMZ,

“Judge Revel set bail at $100,000 and said Lindsay can post bail and remain free until the next court hearing, IF she does the following:
– drink no alcohol
– wear a SCRAM bracelet
– submit to random drug testing at least once a week
Lohan’s lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, told the judge the story TMZ broke — that Lindsay claimed her passport was stolen and she tried getting on a flight to make it on time but was turned away.
At one point Holley said, “I don’t know what else to tell you.”
But the judge didn’t buy Lindsay’s argument, saying “Actions speak louder than words.” The judge felt Lindsay could have gotten a replacement passport and made it back on time. And, the judge said Lindsay had “a history of not keeping scheduled appointments.”

Day 3: “How did I get on this bridge? Wait, I can’t swim right? Maybe if I jump Samanta will come rescue me and then we can get guns and kill judges and convenience store owners and stuff. Yes that’s it. I bet there’s pretty colors at the bottom of the ocean…”

What a sh*tshow.

Wait, wha, I can’t oh God, I’m flying, I – I ‘m a unihorse. Corn. Whatever. Uhh, wait, what was I saying?

damn. not again.

Here’s Lindsay LOLohan stumbling around Cannes.

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The ramp of that yaht just couldn’t have retreated fast enough.

Apparently she hasn’t been fulfilling the judge’s orders for her b*tch stop f*cking drinking and put on some fresh underwear alcohol education classes, so she decided to go to Cannes for field research.

I hope she found out why she always ends up on her knees every weekend.

In case she hasn’t, I’ve come up with a few of my own conclusions:

1. She thought she saw a reflection of Samantha Ronson’s vajay.

2. She found a shiny penny.

3. She’s just doing what her Mother taught her to do in a sticky situation.

4. She’s just doing her part to keep her country clean by lapping up any Vodka spillage. This actually coincides with conclusion #3.

“You finish that drink before you leave the table young lady.”

 

paris likes to suck on foreign objects…

Poor P.

She probably had no idea that her cigarette was laced with marijuana.

How did that happen??

What are drugs??

Via the National Enquirer,

Paris Hilton was seen puffing a funny-smelling cigarette at Drai’s Hollywood nightclub on April 28. The socialite was all smiles in her cloud of smoke until she spotted a fellow clubgoer filming her with a camera phone. Oops.”

Call me crazy, but I could have sworn she always smiles when caught on tape.

Yup, yup, when she was being banged into that wall, through all the grittiness, I knew I saw a smirk.

 

you have got to be kidding me…

This chick, Noemie Lenoir apparently tried committing suicide a couple of days ago.

Why?
Maybe she was sick of people calling her hot and not looking at her inner beauty or something.

Trust me, I’m not cracking a joke. I feel this way all the time. I’m serious…

Via the Daily Mail,

French supermodel Noemie Lenoir was recovering in hospital tonight after being found unconscious beside a pile of pills and an empty spirits bottle after apparently trying to commit suicide. The 30-year-old, who has become a household name in the UK after spearheading an advertising campaign for Marks & Spencer, was found lying in a forest in La Celle-Saint-Cloud, on the outskirts of Paris.

Ms Lenoir originally called the emergency services herself on Sunday afternoon, saying she ‘felt very ill’, but then made a second call cancelling an ambulance. She was then seen staggering towards the nearby wood, where she was found by a passer-by out walking his dog.

“After coming to, Noemie was in a state of great distress and clearly very ill,” said a source close to the model. “She had clearly attempted to harm herself and had fallen unconscious,” said the source, who said the pills and empty bottle were lying next to Ms Lenoir.

“She was rushed to a nearby hospital and treated for the effects of poisoning. It seems that she may have tried to commit suicide as a cry for help. She’s now in a far better condition and recovering.”

See fat ugly people have it so easy. They figure they might as well enjoy life by horking donuts and burgers because they’re already fat and ugly.

Models have it tough. When those 12 carrot sticks a day start to add up you know that your days as a person of any significance are limited.*

 

*Calm down, I’m joking. People shouldn’t try killing themselves. It’s not f*cking cool.