beep beep b*tch.

Ha!

Lindsay LOLohan’s SCRAM fashion piece went off this past weekend during one of the MTV Movie Awards after parties at Las Palmas…

Poor b*tch. I can imagine how hard it would be to actually have to face the world SOBER.

“Whoa. You mean people only have ONE face?! What the?!”

Via PEOPLE,

“It remains unclear whether alcohol was detected in her system or if the device was tampered with. Either one would alert authorities.
Lohan, 23, could face jail time if the judge in her case rules that the actress violated the conditions of her bail – which include abstaining from alcohol and submitting to random drug testing. Judge Marsha Revel is expected to receive the SCRAM report soon, the source says, and could order Lohan in for an immediate bail revocation hearing.”

Man, leave her alone. Take her in when she finally gives up and decides to gnaw her ankle off.

uh, nevermind, scratch, scratch, uhh…

So you know that comment that Scratchy McAwkward (aka Kristen Stewart) made about paparazzi pictures being just like rape…?

She takes it back. Why? Because she likes money.

Via PEOPLE,

“I really made an enormous mistake – clearly and obviously,” Stewart, currently in Korea to promote the new installment of the Twilight series Eclipse, tells PEOPLE exclusively. “And I’m really sorry about my choice of words.”
Stewart, 20, is not known as one to mince words. “I’ve made stupid remarks before, and I’ve always reasoned: ‘Whatever. They can think what they want,’ ” she says.
But in this instance, the Los Angeles-born actress feels compelled to address the situation. ” ‘Violated’ definitely would have been a better way of expressing the thought,” she notes.”

This chick should never talk. Actually you know what, she should just never leave the house. Even to film movies. They should just shoot her scenes while she sits by the window rocking back and forth while picking out the ticks from her hair.

I’d buy tickets to see that movie. I know 3/4 of the world already did.

 

thank you for being a friend…

Rue McClanahan passed away today from a stroke. The world has lost another Golden Girl.

Sad.

Via PEOPLE,

“She passed away at 1 a.m. this morning,” her manager, Barbara Lawrence, tells PEOPLE. She had a massive stroke.”
McClanahan, who played Blanche Deveraux on the still-popular ’80s sitcom Golden Girls, had suffered a minor stroke earlier this year while recovering from bypass surgery. Lawrence added that at the time of her death Thursday, McClanahan “had her family with her. She went in peace.”

She’s probably already on the prowl for a young secksay thang to keep her company up there in the Big House while Bea Arthur shakes her head.

Rest In Peace hot stuff.

 

110 year old man gets Celine dion pregnant.

Nope, not a headline on The Star, but actual truth.

Celine Dion is pregnant. With twins.

B*tch should have like, octuplets. Her house is big enough.

Via PEOPLE,

“Everyone knows that Céline has guts and is determined,” adds husband, René Angelil. “These treatments were truly hard on my wife’s body. It wasn’t simple at all.”

But the perseverance paid off when the couple found out they are expecting twins. “There were truly great emotions after all our efforts,” says the singer.

Those efforts included traveling from her Florida home to New York for months of treatments and also turning to acupuncture from a Montreal-based specialist.

“My doctors had to constantly reassure me. I [wanted] to see the babies,” she says. “Each week I had sonograms. I heard their heart beats.”

Now, having already endured the ups and downs of several in-vitro fertilization attempts, Dion says she’s following her doctors’ orders closely.

“It’s stressful but I’m relaxing. I look at my little belly. I do almost nothing,” she says. “If you tell me I have to stay in bed, I will stay in bed until November, when the babies are born. To bring them into the world, there’s nothing more important than that. It’s incredible.”

Adds Dion: “We will have a beautiful family nest full of love.”

Aw, how touching.

A family nest full of love. Isn’t that what every parent wants?

But when you have to sell your home and move your family into a Plymouth Voyager to feed and clothe your 4 children, it’s not that f*cking loving is it? Is it Celine?! Is it?!?!?

Anyways…congratulations!

 

damn. why didn’t i think of that…?!

Here’s an excerpt from Jesse James’ interview with Nightline…

or as Tiger Woods would call it, “fuuuuuuuuu*k, why couldn’t come up with that?!?!”

Via PEOPLE,

“I was a terrorized kid,” James, 41, said about beatings he received from his father. “I was petrified of my dad … It wasn’t so much getting the sh– beat out of me or getting my arm broken or getting kicked or whatever or punched, it was the in-between time. It was the fear of that happening again.”
As a result of his lack of self-worth, he said, “I grew up with a huge amount of shame and fear and abandonment on my shoulders from a very young age, and I think, you know, the way my mind rationalized [cheating], ‘Well, you know, I might as well do whatever I can to like run her off, ’cause she is going to find out what I am anyway and leave me anyway.'”

Ohhhh okay.

So all those times my Mom patted my ass with a wooden spoon cancels out that time I slept with that chick’s boyfriend…right? Riiiight…?!

Ok. Ok. BoyfriendS.

 

now you can talk.

So Megan Fox got FIRED from the 3rd installment of Transformers yesterday.

It’s probably because she started talking about her involuntary gas problem and how she’s so ugly that she can’t stand when people look at her, other than sticking to the script. Or because she called the director “Hitler.”

You pick.

Via Deadline Hollywood,

“No actor/actress can expect to go around dissing a director and expect to work together as if nothing happened. Much less the egotistical Bay. But in Fox, he had met his match. Why, as recently as this week Megan was quoted as dissing Bay yet again. In recent months she has shown off a more natural skin hue instead of her usual orange color — and blamed the Transformers helmer for her unhealthy tanning binge. “I had been tanning a lot so that Michael would be happy with my skin tone. Every spare moment of sun that was outside, I had to be in it,” the 24-year-old actress lamented in Allure magazine. “It’s not going to happen again because of the damage and the possible skin cancer.”

and WAIT. There’s more…

Via PEOPLE,

“Megan Fox

is seeking to transform rumor to fact.

The actress is slamming speculation she was booted from the third installment of the Transformers action film franchise.

“Megan Fox will not be starring in Transformers 3,” reps for the actress, 24, tell PEOPLE. “It was her decision not to return. She wishes the franchise the best.”

Citing unnamed sources, Variety reports the studio and the film’s director, Michael Bay, intend to cast another actress as star Shia LeBoeuf’s love interest to move the story in a different direction.”

“Michael Bay I love your work! I know what a artistic brilliant genius you are! Cast me in the next Transformers.” – Heidi Montag

No. No. Oh God no. Megan come back. Pick your nose, nitpick about how many bits of gravel are on the ground, tell Michael Bay to bend over and lick your a**. Just for the LOVE OF GOD come back.

 

 

 

 

 

well golly, I thought there were gonna be corndogs…

Here’s another case of when “door attendants need to be dragged into the street and shot.”

This case involves Jessica Simpson being somehow invited to the White House Correspondents’ Assoc. Dinner over the weekend.

I have a feeling she stumbled across the invitation and maybe thought it was for a Corndog eating contest or something, because otherwise it just DOESN’T make sense to me.

Anyways, Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian were there too, so I’m guessing half the guestlist was probably the President’s attempt to welcome people of all walks of LIFE, and IQ standings, his ratings are already down, and nothing gets good press like Justin Bieber trying to feel up Kim K’s booty pads.

Anyways, what really provides for a good guffaw is the following interview:

Jessica Simpson to PEOPLE Magazine, on wanting to be Michelle Obama:

“I really do,” Simpson told PEOPLE before the White House Correspondents’ dinner in Washington, D.C., Saturday. “She’s such an incredible woman, and she’s with such a powerful man.”
What does Simpson admire most about the First Lady? “Everything she does she exudes confidence,” says the singer.

What the f*ck?

Michelle Obama’s goals are focused around supporting her husband and instilling political confidence in the American people, while Jessica’s goals are probably focused on trying not to fart everytime she’s faced with some sort of human interaction.

Yes, the role of First Lady is just made for her.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Too bad Michelle was too classy to use Jessica as a spokesmodel for her efforts in curbing childhood obesity.

The President: “Hey wouldn’t it be funny if we used that fat girl, Simpleton, whatever her name is, to tell the Americans to cut back on Value Meals?”

Michelle: “Shame on you Barack, shame on you. She’s a lovely young woman.” Besides, I’ve already arranged to have our photographers take full, profile, ass and panoramic shots of Gabourey Sidibe. Especially when she hits the buffet table.

The President: “Baa Haa Haa Ha, oh the chubby ones always make me laugh.”

 

 

 

 

right, we’re all judging sandy…

Jesse James released a STATEMENT to PEOPLE today in response to his soon to be EX WIFE, Sandra Bullock filing for DIVORCE.

I’m surprised that this guy wasn’t busy getting sucked off in his garage so props to him for putting his mouth to use AND no using your teeth to extract random objects from your mistress’ ass doesn’t count.

I don’t care if there was no time to go to the emergency room.

Via PEOPLE,

On the PR baby:
“The love I have for Louis cannot be put to words. Not having him around to love and to hold has left a huge hole in my heart.”

On the divorce:
“Sandy is the love of my life, but considering the pain and devastation I have caused her, it would be selfish to not let her go.”

On trying to be the best husband to the woman he just said he let go:
“I have always taken great pride in proving people wrong. That time has come once again to show that I am not what everyone says I am. I know in my heart that I can be the best father possible to my four children, and the mate Sandy deserves, and realize that this is an incredible mountain to climb.”

On honoring the deal everyone made before calling People:
“I ask that you please do not judge Sandy for the things I have done. She has done no wrong. She played no part in any of this. She has been an amazing wife, mother, and best friend, for the over 6 years we have been together.”

Yes, we’re all looking to judge your Oscar winning wife over your obsession with women who would f*ck 4 legged animals if they had money.

sandra bullock: swm.

Sandra Bullock adopted a BAYBAY yesterday, now categorizing herself as “single mom,” as well as “woman whose husband likes Nazi p*ssy.”

Via PEOPLE,

“Were you aware of any interest [Jesse] may have had in white supremacy or Nazism?”
Bullock responded, “The photo shocked me and made me sad. This is not the man I married. This was stupid, this was ignorant. Racism, anti-Semitism, sexism, homophobia, anything Nazi and a boatload of other things have no place in my life.”
Bullock added, “And the man I married felt the same.”
As for her newly adopted African-American baby, Bullock told the magazine she arranged for the child to have a bris — the Jewish circumcision ceremony.

Look at that kid’s face. You know he’s going to grow up only to roll up on Jesse James one day and stuff a Swastika up his ass.

 

dare you to touch it.

Madonna should just kick Jesus Luz to the curb. His body cannot even COMPARE to that of Kelly Ripa’s…

Besides from the fact that Kelly is married to one of the hottest Latin Lovers out there, her and Madge would have a great life together, doing pushups, poking her weird appendage, and doing squat thrusts together.

It helps that the hubby has to close his eyes and picture a woman when having sex with her too…

Via PEOPLE,

“He (husband, Mark Consuelos) actually pays me money to keep my clothes on!” Ripa, 39, joked to PEOPLE of husband Mark Consuelos at the Point Honors benefit on Monday night in New York, which she co-hosted with Bravo’s Andy Cohen.
“I’m actually given money to put on a parka. ‘Put your parka on! Here’s another dollar. Put on that hat!'”

Ouch.