i quit this b*tch.

Not permanently, but for the next 12 days you’re damn right I do.

I won’t disclose my travel destination, but you can bet your whole life that it’s a lot better than the hole in which I currently reside.

And I don’t actually live in a hole. It’s a metaphor. I can’t say the same for Lindsay Lohan, who probably crawls to bed at 7am at the bottom of a well. But that’s Lindsay Lohan.

Anyways, I’ll post today’s “A Day In The Life” because I know that’s all you b*tches care to look at anyway. Pathetic. Go stare at yourself in a mirror for 45 mintues. See how violated YOU feel.

You know how long it takes me to come up with material?! You know how long it takes me to think of something witty to say about Heidi Montag’s new face?!

Hahaha. 3.2 seconds out of my day. That’s how long. And it’s the best 3.2 seconds of my life.

Unless you coun’t that one dude…

F*ck. This is turning into a memoir, so I’m outta here.

While I’m on vacay basking in the glory of doing the exact opposite of what people generally do on vacation, I hope ya’ll don’t get too bent out of shape when Audrina Patridge actually leaves the house in something other than a bikini.

Or when our dear Lindsay finally caves in and saws off her ankle.

I can’t wait to come home to see pictures of her wearing that sh*t around her neck.

Now THAT’S a statement piece I wouldn’t mind purchasing.

haha. loser.

Wait. What?

Katherine Heigl was in this last season of Grey’s Anatomy?

What did she play? A corpse?

Via E!

“After the two-hour Grey’s Anatomy finale a few weeks ago, we said Emmys should be given to everyone in the cast for that episode. But funny, so far we’ve only heard of Katherine Heigl submitting her name in the Emmy race for Best Supporting Actress.

You’re probably wondering what she submitted her name for, considering she rarely appeared in Grey’s this season. And when we ran into Eric Dane over the weekend he was asking the same thing:

Reporters asked Eric what he thought of Katherine putting her name in for Best Supporting Actress. His response: “For what?”

“Um, for Grey’s Anatomy,” we gently reminded him on the carpet at the 9th Annual Chrysalis Ball, where he was there with his equally good lookin’ wife Rebecca Gayheart.

“Oh,” Dane said catching himself. “It’s great! Fantastic! I love it! Why?”

Who does this b*tch think she is? That’s like me putting myself in the race just for watching the damn show.

Crook.

She should just be happy that the producers haven’t shunned her from the industry. Or even worse, replaced her with a Victoria’s Secret model.

*cough Michael Bay cough*

 

elle.ah.

Rihanna’s Elle’s cover girl for their new issue, and she looks absolutely on FIRE in each and every shot.

Or maybe it’s because she’s not wearing a ball gag and floss for underwear in these pictures. Must be nice to take the day off.

Here’s what she had to say in the accompanying interview:

On the striking artwork for her new album:
“I wanted pictures that represented strength and fearlessness but still femininity—a strong woman who can be vulnerable. Every woman is made up of vulnerability and strength; no matter what race you are, no matter what you’ve been through in your life. Every woman has that strength that is undeniable, but we also have really big hearts. It’s just us.”

On her new piece:
“I have a boyfriend. I’m so happy. I feel really comfortable, and it’s so easy. I have such a chaotic life, but at the end of the day, that is just my peace. It keeps me sane, really, talking to him and talking to my family.”

On turning her dream into a reality:
“If I were in Barbados still, I would be dreaming about this. I asked for it, and I love it, so why am I complaining? My first day on tour, I remember saying ‘I’m so tired—this is so much.’ Then I thought, What the f*ck? You asked for this—you prayed to God to tour like Madonna.”

On her fav. designers:

“It’s clear there are definitely fewer black women in the high-fashion industry. One of the things I respected most about Gucci was that they did a print campaign with me. I’m a black girl on a fashion spread for Gucci—that was a big deal. I respect designers who aren’t afraid to go outside the box. I went to a Jean Paul Gaultier show, and I saw girls who are thicker than me, beautiful and voluptuous and different ethnicities. That made me so excited. I thought, Okay, I can work that, for sure.”

On moving on from Chris Brown:
“A year ago, I was very confused. Because he was my best friend. All of a sudden, one night changed our whole lives—not only our friendship, but our lives. I wanted to wake up one day and just not have that pain anymore. I wanted to be with him again or get over him—it was either-or. I just didn’t want to feel the pain, the confusion.”

Oh and in case you noticed her looking a little less thicky thick and more skinny b*tch on the cover, Mariah’s magic makers the retouchers did shave off a few inches off her waist.

Did Nelly teach ya’ll nothing?

http://www.goldmic.com/video/Nelly-Thicky-Thick-Girl/23593

of course they did.

Lindsay Lohan’s trying to fool us into thinking she doesn’t have a HUGE f*cking book of utterly nonsensical excuses as to why she can’t just be a normal human being.

Her latest scheme?

She got her oh so wise Mother to try and cover for her. Lindsay c’mon. You might not be able to read real people books, but I’m sure you can understand your own cryptic writing.

“Cat. Pee. Tell I wasn’t really me. Twin evil sister. Kidnap. Gogglie Goo.”

“Hehehe this’ll fool em.”

Via The New York Post,

“[Lindsay] was at the MTV Awards and somebody spilled a drink on her leg, which must have set off the SCRAM bracelet. She has done absolutely nothing wrong and shouldn’t have to wear the bracelet in the first place. She is doing absolutely fine.”

God. I could have used her as a Mom for parts of my life that I’m now not too proud to admit. “Oh you drove while drunk and crashed into a mailbox honey? No, no, no, wipe those tears away, it was that f*cking mailbox’s fault. We’ll get him!”

Actually….no. Nevermind. I love you Mom.

i feel ya. this happens to me all the time.

So Kanye West had his Porsche Panamera Turbo stolen while vacationing in Hawaii.

It’s $133 000, which is HUGE to all you common folk. But to me and Kayne…ain’t no thang but a chicken wang.

Via The New York Times,

“Neighbors reported hearing a “tremendous” crash and seeing three men running from the wrecked sports car.

“I walked over to see if anyone was dead or people in the car because I could smell liquids and I could hear them draining and no one was there,” said neighbor Chris Cooper.

West is in Hawaii recording a new album, but sources told AllHipHop News the rapper was traveling when the high-performance car crashed through the garage of the house early Saturday morning. Local TV stations reported West left his ride in the care of a cousin – and that it was reported stolen shortly before the wreck.”

F*cking cousin hey?

If this happened to go down in Surrey there would be no mention of any “cousin.”

Because he’d be six feet under already.

“Cousin? Now what now?”

 

katy perry has something to say.

That is if anyone even listens to Katy Perry. (Not her singing, her speaking).

If I were a dude that is. Nah, or a girl. I just wouldn’t be able to focus on listening to her with “HOLY F*CK SHE HAS HUGE T*TS!!!” screaming in my ears.

Anyways, she took to her Twitter regarding Lady Gaga’s new video for “Alejandro.”

“Using blasphemy as entertainment is as cheap as a comedian telling a fart joke.”

Ouch Katy Perry. Them some fighting words.

Too bad all people heard were a couple of t*tties bouncing against each other.

Motorboat!

 

my lonliness is kiiiiillllinngggg meeeee…

Britney Spears apparently thinks that she can feed and bathe herself these days. Which is why one of her bodyguards QUIT that b*tch.

Actually it’s because she forced him upon her privates but I like the former because it was funnier.

Via The Sun,

“She was always giving him the come on and he felt if he didn’t reciprocate he could lose his job. He finally handed in his notice last week and is considering legal action.
“She runs round the house naked and yelling at staff. All her guards knew they could be removed if they looked at her the wrong way. Unfortunately for Fernando, she took a liking to him, so he was under more pressure than most. He wanted to be a good security guard and look after her but the situation became unbearable.”
The last straw came when Britney’s dad JAMIE – who is in legal control of her and can hire and fire staff – kicked off after she left her Los Angeles home without underwear.
“Jamie went mental when he saw the pictures and Fernando was made the fall guy. He was not fired but told he was to blame. He had had enough.”

Being forced to look at Britney Spears’ naked body shouldn’t be cause for change of employment. Can you imagine what Lady Gaga’s bodyguards have to go through??

“C’mere Benson. They’re starting to show again. It’s all about the way you tuck. Detail, detail, detail. What do I pay you goons for?!”

THIS DUDE MUST STILL LIVE WITH HIS MOTHER.

First an actual GUY takes Snooki home, now someone’s STALKING Kristen Stewart?!

What the f*ck are people smoking on these days?

Via The Chicago Sun Times,

“People close to “Twilight” star Kristen Stewart are concerned she is not taking seriously enough a stalker who has been sending disturbing letters and showing up at events — apparently even at her home. 

A longtime Hollywood honcho, who has worked with Stewart, says the young actress is telling people around her she refuses to be intimidated. “She insists that no crazy ‘will keep me from living my own life,'” said the source, who understands that point of view.

“But this isn’t like the paparazzi — who Kristen understandably hates because they are so intrusive. These people can be dangerous.”

Apparently, Stewart — along with the rest of the young “Twilight” stars, particularly Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner — are bugged by many, many “Twilight” vampire-obsessed fans. The Stewart friend refers to them as “real nuts … scary kooks. … These people are far more serious than the merely annoying paparazzi.”

Ummm if I were the perverted (and clearly mentally disturbed) guy, I’d go makeout with one of the boy mannequins at Old Navy. It’s pretty much the same thing, minus the awkward scratching.

http://images2.fanpop.com/image/photos/9200000/Kristen-Stewart-making-weird-faces-GIF-image-critical-analysis-of-twilight-9268232-250-188.gif

disturbing natural order.

God Damn Lindsay Lohan. C’mon! Really?! C’mon!

Via TMZ,

“We’re going to break it down for you.  Lindsay was on probation when she failed to appear in court last month.  At that point, Judge Revel revoked her probation and set bail at $100,000.  In return for bail, Lindsay promised to appear for a hearing on the probation violation — set for July 6.  Because of the SCRAM incident, the $100,000 bail has now been forfeited.  Instead of throwing Lindsay in jail pending the July hearing, the judge is allowing her to post new bail — set at $200,000, so she can remain free.

Lindsay’s SCRAM bracelet generated a report to SCRAM officials sometime after the MTV Movie Awards Sunday night. Sources say the SCRAM data shows evidence of alcohol.”

 

Of course it showed evidence of alcohol. Why the f*ck else would it go off?! Anyways, this whole thing is preposterous. It’s like asking Heidi Montag to stay away from silicone. Or asking Christina Aguilera to go without makeup for 10 mintues. What the Hell does this judge expect from this poor girl?

By threatening to throw her in jail for sipping on the sizzurp she’s violating the rights of people all over the world. Everyone has a right to lighten their day with a little laughter. Who the f*ck are we supposed to laugh at when this b*tch gets locked up? How the Hell am I supposed to run this site on the many different looks of Kim Kardashian alone?

Preposterous I tell you.

Via TMZ,

 

“Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, tells TMZ Lindsay’s SCRAM bracelet “indicated the presence of a small amount of alcohol on Sunday night.”

Holley added, “Having just received the report, I am not in a position to speak to its accuracy or validity, however, Ms. Lohan maintains that she has been in complete compliance with all of the terms of her probation and her bail.”

Great. Nevermind then. Carry on.

Nope. I won’t ever get sick of this picture.

 

 

 

beep beep b*tch.

Ha!

Lindsay LOLohan’s SCRAM fashion piece went off this past weekend during one of the MTV Movie Awards after parties at Las Palmas…

Poor b*tch. I can imagine how hard it would be to actually have to face the world SOBER.

“Whoa. You mean people only have ONE face?! What the?!”

Via PEOPLE,

“It remains unclear whether alcohol was detected in her system or if the device was tampered with. Either one would alert authorities.
Lohan, 23, could face jail time if the judge in her case rules that the actress violated the conditions of her bail – which include abstaining from alcohol and submitting to random drug testing. Judge Marsha Revel is expected to receive the SCRAM report soon, the source says, and could order Lohan in for an immediate bail revocation hearing.”

Man, leave her alone. Take her in when she finally gives up and decides to gnaw her ankle off.