i’m sad. now look at my butt.

Sadface McBoyWhoCriedWolf was spotted wallowing in her tears in Malibu yesterday.

And her tears, marriage, ensuing divorce are as fake as her Double H’s.

We also see here, Jen Bunney whose following Heidi around wiping the saline leaking out of her a** her sorrows away with what looks like the initial paycheque for their upcoming REALITY show.

Apparently it’s about how fun and natural and honest they are. About all the trials and tribulations of living in LA and about all the mean people who are out to get them and their rob them of their wholesome personas the poor man’s version of The Hills.

Anyways, in case you don’t already have a case of BHD (Broken Heart Disease) and find it terribly unecessary to click through the pictures in case you suffer another attack, I bring you….

A Case Of The Sads: The Pictorial.

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oh the pain. oh the pain. now where are the paparazzi…?

Heidi, Heidi, Heidi…

Unless you stage a date with the paps to film you melting your upper body into a life sized candle for the benefit of conserving energy, no one wants to hear it.

Via US Weekly,

Talking to Us magazine, the “Hills” hottie’s rep tells, “Heidi is going through a difficult time and hopes people respect her privacy.”

Of the current situation, a friend of the couple tells that “there are no plans for divorce…they are going through some issues. It’s a hiccup.”

Meanwhile, it appears as if Miss Montag already has her living situation mapped out for the upcoming future, as her former “Hills” co-star Jennifer Bunney said, “Heidi and I are moving into a Malibu beach house this summer.”

Planning to shoot a new reality show with one another, Bunney adds, “We’re really excited to do girly things and show people who we really are and that we’re really fun, sweet and loyal girls.”

Not all that upset over her marital woes, Heidi tweeted post-split, “”This is going to be the best summer of my life!!!”

Jen Bunney?! Sweet and loyal?

I summon Lauren Conrad and all her inner spirit to SMFH.

Wait, actually, the only way that this living arrangement could be beneficial to the public is if they put Heidi’s t*ts on fire during a bonfire on the beach or something. For the 4th of July.

Now that’s something to take pictures of.

 

do i look good…..??

Spencer Pratt’s gonna find himself cuddling up to one of his crystals to keep him warm at night from now on. I mean, not that it’s different from the body, shape, consistency, and temperature of his other possession, Heidi.

 

Via TMZ,

“Heidi’s rep tells TMZ, “Heidi is looking to move out due to all the fake bad press that Spencer controls. She’s tired of it and is looking for a place and wants to focus on her acting career.”
We’re told Heidi is looking for a new place in Malibu.”

F*ck.

It’s about damn time. She might not be able to wake up every morning without having him tell her “no honey, you don’t look like Joan Rivers,” but at least she’ll learn to walk and talk without having someone push the START button first.

Omg. Maybe now people will look past her leathery exterior and blank expression and find it within their hearts to befriend her once again. Maybe her Mom will manage to actually look her in the face when having a conversation instead of burying her face in rosary beads.

Anyways, here’s some pics of the couple in happier times.

Kinda reminds me of that song…what was it again…?

Oh yeah, Put It In Ya Mouth.

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the most normal people you’ll ever meet…

So Heidi Montag called the cops on her own mother yesterday.

She claims it’s because she had tore her heart out on national television.

No b*tch. That’s the doctor’s job.

Via PEOPLE magazine,

“Another day, another drama for Heidi Montag.

On Thursday, the Hills star called police after her mother, Darlene Egelhoff, arrived at her Los Angeles home.

“My mom showed up unannounced to my house when she knows I have no interest in seeing or talking with her,” Montag, 23, tells PEOPLE. “She tore my heart out on national television. She is just trying to create drama in my life.”

Los Angeles police confirm that Egelhoff came to her daughter’s house on Thursday and was turned away.

“Officers arrived on the scene and advised the mother that since her daughter’s an adult, she doesn’t have to speak to [the mom] if she doesn’t want to,” Los Angeles Police Department Sgt. Leffew tells PEOPLE. “The mother said ‘fine, no problem’ and left. There were no citations or arrests.”

And Montag says this isn’t the end of all the drama. “I made it very clear that I want nothing to do with her in my life right now,” she tells PEOPLE.

Continues Montag: “I’m sick to my stomach she would even do something like this. She needs to stay away from me. I’m planning on getting a restraining order against her.”

Calls to Egelhoff were not immediately returned.

Yes that’s just it. She just wants to save her daughter from morphing into a f*cking cat create drama for the least dramatic, over exaggerated couple of famwhores ever to walk the Earth.

God Heidi’s mom. Just let them go back to knitting cozies side by side in front of the fire. Poor Spencer just wants to cuddle, and Heidi just wants to formulate spawn make babies.

Oh and while his wife was asking the cops if they thought she was pretty, Spencer was busy keeping lookout in case his OWN parents dared cross into enemy territory…

You know.

Because they’d do what any sane minded set of parents would do…DISOWN him.

Via US Weekly,

“They noticed him changing two years ago and stayed by his side. But now it’s too much,” a source tells Us Weekly. “They even took the pictures of him out of their home.”
Us Weekly reports Spencer, 26, and Heidi, 23, have become virtual shut-ins at their $7,000-a-month rented L.A house, which is filled with framed covers of magazines on which they’ve appeared.
“No one ever visits,” a local tells Us, and the couple rarely leave. “Heidi sits and stares in the mirror, while Spencer plots and schemes on his projects all day,” adds a Pratt source. “He sits on the Internet, watches TV and tries to get press. That is all he does. It’s totally sick.”

The caption to this picture from PacificCoastNews reads:

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – Thursday May 13, 2010. **EXCLUSIVE** Spencer Pratt and his security team, a detail of three U.S. Marines, stand on watch outside the house he shares with Heidi Montag. Police had been called to the property earlier in the day when Heidi’s mother visited the house unexpectedly and reports say she refused to leave. One of the scurity team is retired Marine LCPL. Cougar Zank who was in the infantry was involved in anti tank weaponry who has recently been staying with the Pratts. He is helping Spencer write patriotic scripts. They are a good patriotic couple, the former Marine said.”

Took the words right outta my mouth.

What’s that?? LC’s having a week long party??

Man get out the f*cking streamers, and good silverware Lauren Conrad, because you may NOW have your just dessert.

RUMOR is that the Mad Scientist, Spencer Pratt lost his sh*t on a female producer of The Hills by threatening to team up with Chris Brown to KILL her…

Via US Magazine,

The source explains that Pratt, 26, recently “flipped out” on the show’s set after a female producer made a request to which he objected.
“He got so crazy that he screamed at [her], ‘I should kill you for even asking me to do that!'” the source recounts.
“Very rattled” by Pratt’s outburst, the producer filed a complaint with the show’s top producers — who then threatened to kick Pratt off the show.
Pratt’s team went back with a compromise: “the show agreed that Spencer would leave The Hills for six weeks to do anger management training once a week at home. If he completes it, he can return to the show.”

Having your wife empty out the bank account to make her t*ts rounder is definitely basis to want to blow someone’s head off, although I don’t condone anything this TOOL does.

I’m just concerned for little Enzo.

I’d stick to playing Wii at home buddy, you’re next.

 

a psychic for a psycho.

PEOPLE magazine is reporting that rabid cat Heidi Montag has FIRED hubby and creator, Spencer Pratt as her manager.

I thought this chick was dumb as sh*t, but this is quite the GENIUS move.

Via PEOPLE,

Pratt, who has managed the couple since the day they met nearly five years ago – when Montag was 19 years old – is being replaced with a Malibu-based psychic named Aiden Chase, the reality star tells PEOPLE.
“After the incredible experiences I have had healing my life and truly connecting to my dreams with healer intuitive Aiden Chase, I have officially asked him to become my manager,” Montag says. “Having an intuitive psychic leading my team gives me an edge no one else has.”


“No longer is my husband the face of my business or managing my career,” she adds. “I am going to have Aiden Chase help manage my new life and career in a very different and positive way with light and love. The time for change is now. Never mix business and pleasure. We are no longer Speidi but Spencer and Heidi.”

I spoke too soon.

I don’t see how this dude is going to heal someone with a mainframe, so he has his work CUT out for him

And forget Speidi, I’m not sure if she realizes that people stopped calling her Heidi a long time ago. Specifically around the time she morphed into a rabid cat. Rabid cats aren’t called Heidi. Rabid cats tend to have names like, Scat, Scrabby, Lindsay, Scoot.

 

Oops wrong picture.

Oh sh*t.

Did I say Lindsay?

I’m gonna get sued in 5,4,3,2…ring, ring.

 

take me to my maker.

So Heidi Montag is FINDING it pretty hard to locate any type of bankable TALENT she might have hidden in that wax figure body of hers.

As a RESULT, she gets kinda bored. She just recently came up with a FOOL proof way to fly on up to the Heavens above by making her BOOBS even bigger. She is clinging onto the fact that maybe they’ll just act as FLOTATION devices in her efforts.

 Let’s all SUPPORT Heidi in her quest.

 

God bless her.

So the big ti*tied wax figurine that also goes by the name of Heidi Montag has received HATE mail recently, not for hoarding all the silicone in the country, but because her Christian people are OFFENDED at what she’s done to herself.

Where were they when she OFFICIALLY sold her SOUL to Spencer Pratt?

Life & Style says,

“Spencer ordered about seven bunches of flowers to cheer up Heidi because she’d received a letter or an e-mail saying that her plastic surgery was against God’s will,” a neighbor of the couple tells Life & Style. “Heidi’s apparently very spiritual, so this kind of criticism really stings.”

I doubt 7 bunches of flowers are going to ease the PAIN when she goes to Hell but at least he’s trying.

Ha!

I kid.

 

The Hills have eyes.

Taking a break from the EXCRUCIATING task of lunching and loungin on the beach while filming the upcoming season of The Hills, Kristin Cavallari, Stephanie Pratt, Frankie Delgado and Brody Jenner’s ex, Jayde Nicole were spotted partying it up while Spencer stayed at home to ice Heidi’s growing tits and shrinking brain…

I hate that Kristin doesn’t smack Jayde’s bowlegged limbs back into place in real life.

How unfortunate.

It wasn’t me.

So the “bad, bad person,” as Lauren Conrad would protest has FINALLY hung up his LAB COAT and stretched his fingers to give PEOPLE magazine some insight as to what he THINKS about his wife’s OBSESSION with engaging in acts that take her farther away from REALITY.

(Not including marrying him and her music career though).

He apparently CLAIMS that he wasn’t all shits & giggles about her undergoing her various procedures…

“Anytime I hinted that it might be a little much or if I just asked if she was sure, I even felt like I was crossing lines,” he told PEOPLE.”I’m not in charge of what she does with any part of her body. I’m her husband – not her owner.”

He also goes on to say that she was perfect to begin with…

“But everyone sees themselves differently when they look in the mirror,” he says. “Nobody truly understands how she feels except her. Imay not be okay with things, but it’s not my call.”

On seeing her after surgery,

“Right after … it was the worst experience of  my life.” “Nobody that loves a loved one should see that,” Pratt said.

Sh*t he seems pretty sincere, if you disregard his Cowboy hat and tassles.